I’m caught between wanting to have a career RIGHT NOW and wanting to strike out on my own, self-created venture. There are pros and cons to both. If I sign up for a job at a company run by someone else, I would have more money, I would have benefits, I would have a career. I could build my resume and still have time to work on my project on the side. I could afford to fix my car, insure it AND pay off my credit cards. On some days, I honestly don’t see any downsides.
And then I start thinking about how tired I’ll be after work, and how much energy I would be putting into the job and it’s requirements, instead of into my own project.
Now, the second side to this is that I’m not entirely sure how to get over to a “career path”. I’ve used this analogy a lot lately when discussing this problem with my friends- but I feel as if I’m on one side of a canyon, and the career is on the other side, maybe just 10 ft away. The real issue is that the canyon is thousands of feet deep. I need to find a bridge. That’s all I need, a simple, slight bridge. But I’ve been digging through the underbrush and I can’t seem to find one.
I think some people are giving me clues as to it’s whereabouts. And I’m finding proof that makes me think I’m getting closer to knowing it’s location. But I’m still not on it.
Working with kids has caused me to remember what I was like as a kid, which has caused me to realize just how much I’ve subdued my personality as an adult. I hold my tongue a lot. I feel shy when I know I shouldn’t. I miss golden opportunities and take on C+ ones because I feel uncertain. That’s not me. I’m loud. I’m smart and I’m sharp. I was one of those kids I look at now and think, “Gee this kid has got potential! Wonder what they’ll end up being?” I’m currently not ‘ending up’ anything right now. And that bums me out.
Are you ready for something cheesy? The analogy I keep coming back to (that usually makes me relax) is imagining that I am currently cocoon-ing. I’m developing. I was foraging at the beginning, hibernating last year (I told myself that a lot last winter) and cocooned this year. I’m still dormant, but this time it’s active. I’m developing. The bear doesn’t emerge from hibernation any different than when it entered. Skinnier perhaps, and definitely hungry, but nothing is fundamentally altered. After pressing out of a cocoon, the caterpillar is no longer anything like what it used to be. It’s got wings for hell’s sake and it used to be a chubby little leaf-eater.
I need to give myself time to develop. I’ve a really crazy couple of years, and slowing down will only help me. Taking one more year to slug by working an, “unskilled” job- that’s what I need. Gain those roots I want so bad, and grow my branches bigger (god, I’m just dripping with analogies today).